Co-regulation For You and Your Littles

Co-regulation is a term that represents the warm and caring response of a caregiver to a child in distress, which helps the child to regulate and feel secure.  It is a great tool for parents and for the parent-child relationship. 

Co-regulation is actually the beginning of self-regulation.

When a child is born they come to us with almost no regulation skills.  They can cry to signal their needs of hunger and pain, and they can suck to get nourishment and support calming, annnnd that is pretty much it. 

Newborns are unable to self-soothe, regulate their own temperature, regulate their respiration, change position, or meet any other need they may have. 

This is where co-regulation comes in! First our littles learn to co-regulate (regulate with the help of another) and then (like many many years later) they are able to self-regulate (regulate using their own amazing skills).

Co-regulating is anytime you, as a calm presence (that is very important), respond warmly to the distress of your child.

So, when your baby is crying and you respond by picking them up, rocking them, singing to them, or feeding them you are co-regulating.  You are using your ability to be calm, to offer support physically, verbally, and visually to help your baby be soothed. 

By doing this you are showing your little one that the world is a safe place, that you will protect them and that they can trust you. 

YOU are teaching them to regulate by your steadfast presence, your actions, and through their own experience of calming.

This is why it is so important to always respond to your baby when they are distressed. 

Our children learn from us and with us, not through trial by fire. Leaving a baby to “cry it out” or “work it out on their own” is not how they learn to self-soothe.

When a baby or young child is left to cry, yes, they will eventually stop. But the assumption that they stopped because they figured out how to self-regulate is the wrong assumption.

What is actually happening is their nervous system shuts down. It’s a check-out rather than a calm down.

This is the opposite of co-regulation. Baby learns that the world is unsafe and they must fend for themselves. And the nervous system learns it must always be on alert.

The ability to self-regulate, instead, is taught over and over by a warm and responsive caregiver through young adulthood, not just in the first year. 

How do we use co-regulation beyond caring for an infant?   

This may be responding to your toddler with something they need like food or warmth.  But it can also be by demonstrating deep breathing, hugging your child when they are sad, acknowledging feelings, kissing an owie, or simply quietly sitting near them while they scream and roll around on the floor. 

Often, I feel the best co-regulation with toddlers and young children comes without many words or no words at all. 

We adults tend to think we need to always use our words and explain things at length for our children to learn and understand. 

But, really, our own example of HOW TO BE is most powerful and most understandable by a young child.

Our nervous systems respond to the strongest energy in the room.  If the strongest energy is stressed, overwhelmed and out-of-control, our nervous system will go there too. 

Children are particularly susceptible to this simply because their nervous systems are still developing.  If you become the strongest energy in the room, one of being grounded and peaceful your child will meet you there.

If a nervous system responds to the strongest energy in the room you are probably wondering how you could possibly help co-regulate and not get sucked into your child’s negative energy. 

You are right! 

It is very hard to help a child regulate if you, yourself, have not developed some of your own grounding and regulating skills.  Don’t worry, I’ve got your back! 

Here are a few tips you can try:

• less is more - stop talking all together, and just be.

• if you feel you are getting caught up in it, leave the room (if it’s safe to do so), take some deep breaths and return when you are in a better place.

• Envision yourself as an anchor, a cloud, a deeply rooted tree or anything that represents being grounded and/or calm and peaceful and put your focus into that vision while you remain a quiet presence for your child.

• Stop what you are doing, close your eyes and start taking deep breaths right there in front of your child. If anything this will catch their attention and more than likely they will watch you and maybe eventually join you.

• Hum a song familiar to you and your child - humming is very grounding and regulating and will get you breathing deeply without even thinking about it.

Perfection is not the goal here, only growth. Practice makes progress. You’ve got this!